Friday, May 7, 2010

A Little Yard Work

The date 127th day of Vinember, the place the habitation of the lionhearted champion of justice Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu, with sun shine and a temperature of 70 degrees, it’s a perfect day for yard work. Master Irekq loves to work in his utopian like garden. Taking the cue from the samurai,you must have balance between the warrior and the artist to have a complete soul. The vegetable garden and landscaping of his yard would rival those of the legendary gardens of Japan. And yes, Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu does eat vegetables; man cannot live on meat alone. Ever hear of rabbit sickness?

Tomatoes, peppers, onions, beans, and lettuce placed expertly around the nursery to optimize their growth. The pathways between rows of produce are made of marble pavers to keep from stepping on them. Plus they look pretty. Master Irekq on his knees tends to the needs of his plants by weeding and fixing a small hole in the gardens sprinkler system. It doesn’t take very long about an hour to clear out the half acre plot. Could he have done it faster? Of course, but he likes to take his time. Plucking a ripe tomato Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu bites into it moves on to the next task of cutting the grass, edging, and the removal of two dead trees.

As Master Irekq approaches the tool shed that houses the lawn equipment he senses the presence of a malefactor. Opening the shed doors and Matrix style back bend dodges the double headed ax catapulted at his chest. Straitening up to an upright position he leaps to the roof of the shed with a front flip eluding the chainsaw swung at his midsection. From the roof of the shed he eyes the trees he was just about to remove and idea flashes through his brilliant mind. Why not have this vegan vagabond cut the trees for him? It will be easy to conduct this symphony of evasion from the chainsaw wielding PETA puke making him do all the work.

One front summersault from the roof of the tool shed and Master Irekq is hanging midway up the first tree gripping it with one hand and standing on a branch. Making a “Nanny Nanny BOBO!” face and giving the finger to muttonhead with the chainsaw. He looks mad. The soon to be mulch menace runs right to where Master Irekq knew he would. Just as planed this guy starts to cut down the tree. Before he is halfway through Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu leaps to the second of the two trees he is removing from the yard. Hanging from a branch by his knees like a little kid would he puts his hands to his ears it and sticks his tongue out to taunt his attacker. And just like before he swallows the bait and tries to take tree number two down.

This guy is not too quick on the draw, because he has not realized that Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu had already gotten out of the tree with a picture perfect front hand spring and was now wielding the double handed ax that was on the ground by the first tree. With the skill of a lumber jack he expertly finished off the last bit of tree in seconds sending the considerable piece of timber crashing down. Master Irekq picks up a pebble and flicks it at the head of the chainsaw brandishing dolt. The pebble does its job and gets his attention. He turned around with just enough time to see Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu pointing up a saying “Your boss owes me a new chainsaw!” The falling tree collides with the second, sending them crashing down on the head of PETA pawn. The chainsaw with the aid of the two trees cleaved his body in twain as well as crushing him to death.

The only thing that was left for our hero to do was cut the tree into logs and throw the branches along with the piece of PETA crap in the wood chipper. He will be sending Ms. Newkirk the bill for the new chainsaw. VIVA LA BEEF and Tomato.

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