Saturday, May 22, 2010

Thats Why I Hang My Hat in Tennessee

85 degrees, class 6 white water and a kayak with the sturdy chest of Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu paddling his way down river. A holiday Master Irekq is taking alone. I know what you are thinking “What about his family?  Without him they will be defenceless.  Fear not they will be unmolested. Tucked safely in the enigmatical fortification designed and fabricated by Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu himself. This construct is not only hermetic it is a self-sustaining juggernaut of safe and peaceful living. Its location is not known to his Consort or the  family of  Master Irekq. He is the only one that knows it's whereabouts. No one will ever find it.

Back to the furlough. Outside of Gatlinburg, TN there is a little river that runs right through Moon Shine and Pot Country. You will come across a still or crop of a good old boy and kiss your ass good bye. Even if you manage to steer clear of pot plantation and the bastardized gain stills you have to look out for the booby traps that act as their sentinels. We are talking bear traps, shotguns hooked to trip lines, and anything else that a paranoid Hill-Billie can think of to protect his money.

Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu has never and will never be tricked by such traps because his senses are so acute that they are almost divine. The brawn of Master Irekq’s powerful chest are framed in a orange life jacket and his august face by the chin strap of the safety helmet provided by the rental company of the kayak he rides in. There is no need for the protection equipment,  Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu could never drown nor his skull fracture on the rock of a river bed. At the check in counter he appeased the sweet clerk of the rafting company by wearing them. She had told him the insurance company requires that they be worn. The delightful 18 year old co-ed at the counter after going over the safety lecture presented herself as a guide saying she would like to  “Show you some REAL SOUTHERN HOSPTAILITY.” With a little wink her proposition is ever so clear to him. All women upon meeting Master Irekq are instantly overwhelmed with wantonness. With little brush to the cheek he politely declines and he tells her his consort is more than enough woman for him.

Midway through the 40 mile river ride Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu sees a nice little eddy and a rock face in the water to have his lunch. As he wades his way to the rock and removes his pelican case carrying his consumables and small camping stove. This board consists of gruyere a German cheese, and loaf of Cubin bread. All that is left for this banquet to be complete is the wild black berries famous in this region and some bear meat.

Master Irekq picks up his pack removes the 550 cord he keeps in it and checks to see that his 8” Buck hunting knife is sharp enough to butcher the bear once he has caught it. So into the danger ridden timberland he sets out to hunt his game. While he is out here he considers maybe picking up a little shine for a night cap. It is not very long before he finds a trap. This one is quite elaborate in that it is a counter weighted snare trap that once it’s pray is caught it will hang it there so that the perverted fruitcake can come along and make who ever is caught in it squeal like a pig.

Avoided easily enough, he soon finds the shanty housing the still. He walks up and knocks on the door, as it swings open wildly. He dodges it with a back flip kicking the HK G36 assault rifle into the air where he immediately grabs it spinning it to point it at the man with the dumb look on his face. “Take me away pig.” he delivers,  “No cops here.” is his reply.”Can I buy some shine?” is his query. The toothless redneck cocks his head to the side and with a tone of caution and hesitation he says “$20 fer a quart.” Irekq pays the man, and empty’s the magazine of the assault rifle giving it back to the hayseed assuring the man his secret is safe. A punch in the face and getting knocked out, is a sure way to not get shot in the back.(Like that would happen.)

Leaving the camp he fashions a bow with the 550 cord and wildling a couple of arrows, Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu sits in waiting at the end of the trail left behind by the bear he has tracked. 20 minutes later the arrow finds its way into the heart of the male black bear. Seconds later he is buy its side slitting it's throat. He dresses it expertly and salts the hide for his sister’s husband. He will love the pelt and head of the bear. Back at the rock he grills his steak and prepares black berry dumplings. Along with the cheese and bread the meal was very satisfying.

Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu was feeling a bit giddy after his meal decides to finish the trip wearing the bear head as a hat and the pelt as a cape. A loin cloth is the only real clothes he has on for the rest of the trip down the river.

 The rapids end about a mile from the kayak rental. “This is going to be so funny.” Master Irekq bemuses to himself. He approaches the front the front door of the store and steals his face. Then with the speed and vigor of a leopard he bursts through the door roaring and snorting. The flabbergasted little counter girl who is  all alone instantly starts to scream and cry at the spectacle unfolding in front of her. Irekq doing a kind of Where the Wild Things Are like dance around the room is a little crazy to watch. From the middle of the room Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu vaults his bear skin covered toned torso on top of the counter and roars deafeningly in her face. It is at this point that she faints, oops may be a little bit overboard. He picks up the poor child sets her in a chair and gets his truck keys from behind the counter.

Before he leaves the store he hangs the closed sign and put a tip in the girl’s hand locking the door behind him. Yes he felt bad for making the poor thing faint but it sure as hell was funny. Once he is back at his truck he loads up all his gear and heads home without any PP. (PETA Problems). Viva La BEEF!!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Years ago before he ascended to the sublime degree of Vinja, Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu was just a simple man. Hard to believe but, true. His name was Vincent often called Vinny. Vincent was working diligently at his office when something guided him to a secured web-sight. Instantly Vincent realized he had found something evil. What he found was a plot of world domination. A plot so Machiavellian in it concept that is could only be conceived by that most duplicitous of villains known to the world as PETA.

Hounded by those cretins and fearing for the lives of his wife and family Vincent dedicated his life to the study the Way of Banner. To those who have no knowledge this it is simply put in to two mantras. First being " Please don't make me angry. You won't like me when I am angry." eluding to the way in which you must not let people disturb your sense of inner piece and changing to adapt yourself to the situation. The second " SMASH!! " well that is pretty self explanatory, you should " SMASH!! " all that stand in your way both physical danger as well as mental challenges.

A man of unequaled physical and mental faculties Vincent ascended to a highest level of consciousness know today as Vinja. Thus Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu was born. With him he brought this most malignant of the marshal art Vinjitzu. Krav Maga developed by Israeli defense force was long recognized as the standard in lethality. Bat Mitten in comparison the mortality that can be inflected when the principals of Vinjitzu are invoked.

Today Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu continues to battle the iniquitous fiends of PETA and their plot to subjugate the peoples of the world by stupefaction and devitalization of mankind. Join the good fight, Put and end to PETAs tyranny. Be come a Vinja. Viva La BEEF!

Friday, May 7, 2010

A Little Yard Work

The date 127th day of Vinember, the place the habitation of the lionhearted champion of justice Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu, with sun shine and a temperature of 70 degrees, it’s a perfect day for yard work. Master Irekq loves to work in his utopian like garden. Taking the cue from the samurai,you must have balance between the warrior and the artist to have a complete soul. The vegetable garden and landscaping of his yard would rival those of the legendary gardens of Japan. And yes, Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu does eat vegetables; man cannot live on meat alone. Ever hear of rabbit sickness?

Tomatoes, peppers, onions, beans, and lettuce placed expertly around the nursery to optimize their growth. The pathways between rows of produce are made of marble pavers to keep from stepping on them. Plus they look pretty. Master Irekq on his knees tends to the needs of his plants by weeding and fixing a small hole in the gardens sprinkler system. It doesn’t take very long about an hour to clear out the half acre plot. Could he have done it faster? Of course, but he likes to take his time. Plucking a ripe tomato Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu bites into it moves on to the next task of cutting the grass, edging, and the removal of two dead trees.

As Master Irekq approaches the tool shed that houses the lawn equipment he senses the presence of a malefactor. Opening the shed doors and Matrix style back bend dodges the double headed ax catapulted at his chest. Straitening up to an upright position he leaps to the roof of the shed with a front flip eluding the chainsaw swung at his midsection. From the roof of the shed he eyes the trees he was just about to remove and idea flashes through his brilliant mind. Why not have this vegan vagabond cut the trees for him? It will be easy to conduct this symphony of evasion from the chainsaw wielding PETA puke making him do all the work.

One front summersault from the roof of the tool shed and Master Irekq is hanging midway up the first tree gripping it with one hand and standing on a branch. Making a “Nanny Nanny BOBO!” face and giving the finger to muttonhead with the chainsaw. He looks mad. The soon to be mulch menace runs right to where Master Irekq knew he would. Just as planed this guy starts to cut down the tree. Before he is halfway through Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu leaps to the second of the two trees he is removing from the yard. Hanging from a branch by his knees like a little kid would he puts his hands to his ears it and sticks his tongue out to taunt his attacker. And just like before he swallows the bait and tries to take tree number two down.

This guy is not too quick on the draw, because he has not realized that Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu had already gotten out of the tree with a picture perfect front hand spring and was now wielding the double handed ax that was on the ground by the first tree. With the skill of a lumber jack he expertly finished off the last bit of tree in seconds sending the considerable piece of timber crashing down. Master Irekq picks up a pebble and flicks it at the head of the chainsaw brandishing dolt. The pebble does its job and gets his attention. He turned around with just enough time to see Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu pointing up a saying “Your boss owes me a new chainsaw!” The falling tree collides with the second, sending them crashing down on the head of PETA pawn. The chainsaw with the aid of the two trees cleaved his body in twain as well as crushing him to death.

The only thing that was left for our hero to do was cut the tree into logs and throw the branches along with the piece of PETA crap in the wood chipper. He will be sending Ms. Newkirk the bill for the new chainsaw. VIVA LA BEEF and Tomato.