Two Rooms 8 Minutes
Irked Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu
337th Day of Vinemenber
Two Rooms 8 Minutes
Oh how you have missed me. I know its been years and poison has run amuck through the circulatory system of mankind. Not unlike the ill fated attempt at a Superman movie featuring Brandon Routh and Kate Bosworth my alibi for my absence aligned with the plot line of the aforementioned cinema. Master Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu was irked by the ceaseless attempts on not only his life but the lives of his pedigree. Adding to that the traction gained on the minds of the youth of the world by the minions in academia of the derailed megalomaniac champion and Chairperson of PETA Ingred NewKirk, Master Irekq struck a deal with Mephistopheles herself.
The contract would be that Irekq Master of all things Vinjitzu would no longer haunt the days and nightmares physically, mentally, and emotionally of the she beast and her veggie protein eating, emotionally stunted, cultural Marxist horde. Recusing himself and his beloved ones from society never to be heard from again. All on the precept that she and her mongrel disciples never again darkening the door step of the House of Irekq. The villainess agreed and Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu secluded his entire circle. For 6 years and 336 days your hero the true savior of humanity along with his consort farmed a small parcel of land with 14 chickens and 8 pigs. All was well Master Irekq with his sumptuous and brilliant consort becoming a pillars of the community. Only receiving on complaint and subsequent visit from the local constable for a noise / possible domestic complaint when a neighbor first heard the couple doing what couples do. You know sexy time. Jessica screams of passion were heard from miles away. The female piece officer after taking in the splendor that is exemplified in the anatomy of Master Irekq’s male form licked her lips and simply left, saying “Lucky girl.’
This tome is not however about that, but how after 6 years and 336 days the 337 brought Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu back in the fray of battle in only 8 minutes and took place in two rooms.
Place/ Secluded Mountain Homestead of the Irekqs
Interior/ South Facing Sunporch, Setting Sun Reflecting off the white paint of the homes walls casting a glow on the book shelves and warming the room slightly. Jessica the voluptuous and enigmatic consort of Master Irekq is warming herself in the late afternoon sun reading Deepak Chopra sipping dandelion tea. She does this sometimes in the afternoon. Repeatedly looking up at the back door of their home. Its almost a frantic habit, the looking at the door. She does this every time her husband leaves to got to town. Its not that she is afraid of some one coming in more that she is in withdrawal of her husband manly affections, if you know what I mean.
You see long ago when they first met Irekq Master or the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu was so inthralled by her beauty and grace he was willing to over look her one flaw. She was a serial killer. Think Dexter with a little Jigsaw thrown in there. Sometimes you just had to be taught a lesson. Its not that she was indiscriminate with her prey they would be deserving of the fate that would befall them. With his help and the regular does of vitamin V she was able to focus that energy into the farm.
Before the truce with the cannibalistic cretans of PETA Jessica had the best of both worlds. Getting to HAVE Master Irekq in the biblical sense and the occasional dismemberment of some PETA fool who happen to make the mistake of thinking her soft target. When Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu was “GONE FOREVER!’ as she always put it. She got put on edge.
Well back to the sunporch and the periodic looking up at the door. Jess was deeply inthralled in her Chopra book ( as much as she could be the fire burning in her) when the glass of the back door shattered inward. Splaying shards of bullet resistant Acrylic flying her direction. Start your timer. As we enter room 1
5 seconds after explosion “FUCK YEA!” was shouted at the militant PETA mercenary as Jessica set her book down next to her tea and the freak stepped through the door.
Another 5 seconds go by as the malignant tumor of a man removes a straight razor from his pocket setting down his rifle. With a stare of utter malicious intent the duplicitous mans says-
“ I was told you have to die. May a have your consent to address your looks?
In her heard Jessica hears those all too familiar voices having a dialog.
Jessica “Did he just ask for consent to complement me after blowing apart my door so he can kill me?”
Other Jessica “ Umm yea. We are going to do this right?”
Jessica “ SHIT! Did I just assume his gender?”
Other Jessica “What?”
Jessica “ Nothing “
“Sure.” Jessica says out loud this time.
“ Is that a Yes?”
“ WHAT THE FUUUCKK! “ other Jess screams into there head.
“Yes.” the sensual dainty flower that is the consort of Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu demurely says.
“What I was not told was how beautiful you were.”
“Were?” said inside and out side of Jessicas head.
“ Yea. Like the Pink Floyd song my two non binary non gender conforming non traditional family unit elders would listen to says” I’m going to cut you into little pieces.”
“STOP RIGHT THERE! DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER?”
“Told you.” Other Jess quips
“ Well Ok then. I am sorry I should have asked. Here let me make it up to you.” saying this as she stands slowly gliding her hands over her bosom down past the edge of her shirt. Then back up the inside to the flash bang holster where she keeps her Bond Arms Snake Slayer. A 45 colt and .410 shotgun derringer type pistol.
“ Oh wait do I have your consent to look at your…”
BOOM! BOOM! Both the 45 colt slug and .410 defense load hit the wanna be Jihadist. The 410 taking away the straight razor by removing the hand that held it and 45 slug hitting the talking piece of tofurkey in the body armored chest. The walking talking bowl of hummus was knocked over into the wall where the back of their head found the door knob. Its at this point the polite assassin was knocked unconscious.
“1 minute 30 seconds? What you we going soft?” other Jess
“Fuck off, and help me drag the into your room.”
“FUCK YEA!!” other jess
“ We do say Fuck a lot.”
“So? Who the fuck cares? We are only talking to our selves. It’s not like anyone can hear us.” other Jess
As Jessica walks with hips swaying to the tick tock of the clock on the wall she puts the snake slayer back in its holster after swiping one of each reload out of the hidden compartment on the dry sink that stood between her and the piece of future pig feed laying by the door.
A cat like and graceful saunter (Damn that girl gotta Switch) over to and subsequent not so graceful manhandling ( Oops )personhandling of the body took about four minutes to get the fiend into the second an final room of her house this piece of dung would ever see.
Screaming in pain I awake in some sort of basement duct taped inside a large plastic tub. Last thing I remember is that cis white woman starting to pull up her shirt. Damn, I should not have thought that. Just because she had breasts doesn't make it right for me to call her a her. Poo I just did it again. I wonder where she is? I will punish myself later for my pronoun transgression if I get out of this.
“You up? this time other Jess speaks out loud.
“ How long have I been comatose?”
“ Well its only been about 6 minutes since you broke the truce my husband made with Ingrid by blowing a hole in my door so not long. I have some good new for you. I am not going to be feeding you to the pigs.” Other Jess still speaking out loud.
“Thats great news. I am vegan and want anything to do with animals products. Listen I am sorry I assumed your gender in my thoughts just NOOOWWWW!AHHHHH!!!!!!”
“ I am not going to be feeding you to the pigs because I decided to ship you back to Ms. Newkirk in a pelican case filled with battery acid. That cunt will understand be telling my husband GAME ON.” both Jessicas say out loud this time as the hose from the 55 gallon drum pumps the acid into the container. Letting the fluid run for two minutes before sealing him in the box. Asking why there is a 55 gallon drum of battery acid is going to give you answers you do not want to hear.
VIVA la Beef