Saturday, May 22, 2010

Thats Why I Hang My Hat in Tennessee

85 degrees, class 6 white water and a kayak with the sturdy chest of Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu paddling his way down river. A holiday Master Irekq is taking alone. I know what you are thinking “What about his family?  Without him they will be defenceless.  Fear not they will be unmolested. Tucked safely in the enigmatical fortification designed and fabricated by Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu himself. This construct is not only hermetic it is a self-sustaining juggernaut of safe and peaceful living. Its location is not known to his Consort or the  family of  Master Irekq. He is the only one that knows it's whereabouts. No one will ever find it.

Back to the furlough. Outside of Gatlinburg, TN there is a little river that runs right through Moon Shine and Pot Country. You will come across a still or crop of a good old boy and kiss your ass good bye. Even if you manage to steer clear of pot plantation and the bastardized gain stills you have to look out for the booby traps that act as their sentinels. We are talking bear traps, shotguns hooked to trip lines, and anything else that a paranoid Hill-Billie can think of to protect his money.

Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu has never and will never be tricked by such traps because his senses are so acute that they are almost divine. The brawn of Master Irekq’s powerful chest are framed in a orange life jacket and his august face by the chin strap of the safety helmet provided by the rental company of the kayak he rides in. There is no need for the protection equipment,  Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu could never drown nor his skull fracture on the rock of a river bed. At the check in counter he appeased the sweet clerk of the rafting company by wearing them. She had told him the insurance company requires that they be worn. The delightful 18 year old co-ed at the counter after going over the safety lecture presented herself as a guide saying she would like to  “Show you some REAL SOUTHERN HOSPTAILITY.” With a little wink her proposition is ever so clear to him. All women upon meeting Master Irekq are instantly overwhelmed with wantonness. With little brush to the cheek he politely declines and he tells her his consort is more than enough woman for him.

Midway through the 40 mile river ride Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu sees a nice little eddy and a rock face in the water to have his lunch. As he wades his way to the rock and removes his pelican case carrying his consumables and small camping stove. This board consists of gruyere a German cheese, and loaf of Cubin bread. All that is left for this banquet to be complete is the wild black berries famous in this region and some bear meat.

Master Irekq picks up his pack removes the 550 cord he keeps in it and checks to see that his 8” Buck hunting knife is sharp enough to butcher the bear once he has caught it. So into the danger ridden timberland he sets out to hunt his game. While he is out here he considers maybe picking up a little shine for a night cap. It is not very long before he finds a trap. This one is quite elaborate in that it is a counter weighted snare trap that once it’s pray is caught it will hang it there so that the perverted fruitcake can come along and make who ever is caught in it squeal like a pig.

Avoided easily enough, he soon finds the shanty housing the still. He walks up and knocks on the door, as it swings open wildly. He dodges it with a back flip kicking the HK G36 assault rifle into the air where he immediately grabs it spinning it to point it at the man with the dumb look on his face. “Take me away pig.” he delivers,  “No cops here.” is his reply.”Can I buy some shine?” is his query. The toothless redneck cocks his head to the side and with a tone of caution and hesitation he says “$20 fer a quart.” Irekq pays the man, and empty’s the magazine of the assault rifle giving it back to the hayseed assuring the man his secret is safe. A punch in the face and getting knocked out, is a sure way to not get shot in the back.(Like that would happen.)

Leaving the camp he fashions a bow with the 550 cord and wildling a couple of arrows, Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu sits in waiting at the end of the trail left behind by the bear he has tracked. 20 minutes later the arrow finds its way into the heart of the male black bear. Seconds later he is buy its side slitting it's throat. He dresses it expertly and salts the hide for his sister’s husband. He will love the pelt and head of the bear. Back at the rock he grills his steak and prepares black berry dumplings. Along with the cheese and bread the meal was very satisfying.

Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu was feeling a bit giddy after his meal decides to finish the trip wearing the bear head as a hat and the pelt as a cape. A loin cloth is the only real clothes he has on for the rest of the trip down the river.

 The rapids end about a mile from the kayak rental. “This is going to be so funny.” Master Irekq bemuses to himself. He approaches the front the front door of the store and steals his face. Then with the speed and vigor of a leopard he bursts through the door roaring and snorting. The flabbergasted little counter girl who is  all alone instantly starts to scream and cry at the spectacle unfolding in front of her. Irekq doing a kind of Where the Wild Things Are like dance around the room is a little crazy to watch. From the middle of the room Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu vaults his bear skin covered toned torso on top of the counter and roars deafeningly in her face. It is at this point that she faints, oops may be a little bit overboard. He picks up the poor child sets her in a chair and gets his truck keys from behind the counter.

Before he leaves the store he hangs the closed sign and put a tip in the girl’s hand locking the door behind him. Yes he felt bad for making the poor thing faint but it sure as hell was funny. Once he is back at his truck he loads up all his gear and heads home without any PP. (PETA Problems). Viva La BEEF!!

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