Vinember Fool's Day

Spring is in the air, the sun is shining birds are singing and PETA is evil. Thursday the 90th Day of Vinember the ultimate Vinja is chauffeuring around the enfeebled padre of his consort. The work van of his in-laws Electrical Contracting business loaded with the days materials for the work to be done on the lavish homes of Avalon. Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu also passes the time as an electrician with Bob his father in-law. Bob is feeble and easily confused because of his age but he like to go out and “work”. Bobs work day usually goes like this, Master Irekq does all the work and he stands there yelling and confused as to where he is and what he is supposed to be doing. Irekq Master of the Deadly Art Vinjitzu likes to make him feel useful.


So the 90th of Vinember holds a special place in the heart of the Master, it was known as April Fool’s day. Master Irekq loves a good joke so he makes it a point to pull a prank on this day every year. This year as he is working with Bob he also has a prank in mind and a target for his fun. To whom you may ask will the day’s funny be played upon? That fascist despot Ingrid, Master Irekq toys with her on this day just because.

Bob and Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu pull up the obscenely opulent summer home of Ms. Newkirk, she has no idea that the electrician she has is yet one of her nemesis. Or that the reason for the service call in her home is a direct result of Master Irekq sneaking into the house the night before. Bobs walks up to the laughable guards of Casa Da Newkirk and says “Some call for an electrician?” The guard speaks into his wrist then touches his ear nods and lets them through the door.

Once inside Bob is greeted by Ingrid saying “You two are just in time I can’t seem to get my bed room light to work.” Bob replies that what we do, fix stuff like that. “,and chuckles. Ingrid looks Master Irekq up and down the way all woman stare at his strapping body. He smiles she has not be able to identify him for anyone she has sent to do so never returned or was to fearful of him to say anything. Tool bags in hand they are shown to the bedroom of the wench of the world. Bob starts his state of confusion and Irekq begin to play his prank. They are left alone for 35 minutes, plenty of time to set his trap. Faster the light itself he sprints to her kitchen replaces all of the human flesh she has stored in her refrigerator with lamb. Now he is back in the bedroom and “finds “ the problem he caused fixes it tells Bob it is done.

Bob calls for Ms. Newkirk and tells her he fixed the problem and hands her a bill. She pays the $150 bill in cash right then and there and the two are escorted out. Master Irekq drops Bob off at his nursing home and go back to his home to watch the video feed from the camera he placed in the kitchen at Ingrid’s house. He calls to Jess, she comes running thinking she is about to be pleasured. He tells her “Not now. Wait a minute I put the lamb in Ingrid’s fridge.”

“Can’t we have sex while watching it?”

“You know you won’t be able to pay attention.”

“I know, but Please!!!!!!!!!!”

“I will stand here naked. But not touching. OK?”

She reluctantly agrees. And they start to watch the video feed. When the monitor from the lap-top turns on you see Ingrid walking up to her fridge to get some cannibalistic provisions. Grabs a couple of chops and throws them on her stove. She is so stupid she does not even know the food was switched. The meat was merely browned when she pulls it off the grill and begins to stuff her face with the raw meat. The moment the lamb touches the forked tongue and her mouth closes she vomits all over the counter and floor. Laughing in to the microphone Ingrid hears” April Fools Bieatch. “Then the camera explodes into a cloud of dust. On must assume that she will kill all of the guards for this. Jess gives a fake laugh because she is only thinking of one thing and it sure as hell isn’t lamb but it is the old sausage. VIVA LA BEEF!

When the Man Comes Around

9-5

The 32 day of Vinember 2010 finds Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu starting his day is the usual way:

1 Completely satisfying his consort sexually

2 Feed his trusted companion (Maggie the Wonder dog)

3 Disarm bomb set by P.E.T.A. (Ok sometimes it is not a bomb just an ambush)

4 Eat breakfast

5 Then off to work.

This day finds our hero applying his cunning linguistic skills to the sale of Real Estate. His employment as a Real Estate Sales person is a nice distraction from the ongoing battle with P.E.T.A. Plus he likes to keep in touch with the common man. The office opens at 9:00 am and is 5 miles from his abode so there is no need to take his truck,” Just a short stretch of the legs .” he mused to himself as he set out on his way. Even though the office opens at 9 he is always there by 8 liking the peace quite of the building at that hour.

Most of the time there are no cars in the parking lot of the building of what Master Irekq calls his office job. This particular morning there are two work vans and a pick-up truck, not surprising seeing is how an office supply truck backed into the build the week before. Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu quickly examines the 8 man construction crew;  odd that there would be a need for a crew of 8 men to patch a 4’ X 8’ section of aluminum siding. Master Irekq begins his process of elimination by numerically placing them in the order in which they will die.

First off a football like tackle to one the legs of the scaffolding, bringing the two men on it top crashing to the black top. One of the two men scream in pain as his femur bone bursts though his skin, he’ll bleed out quickly never to dance again. The second man tucks in and roles out of the way of the falling scaffolding and lands on his feet. Two grab piece of pipe from broken down scaffolding, sticking his foot under the pipe closest to his foot he flicks it into the air. He captures the pole in his hand and whirls it single handedly around his body the way a majorette does their flag. Leveling it off so as to point to the second man from the scaffolding so sees it in his face. He had not seen for very long however as Master Irekq skewered his skull with the metal tube.

The group circled him now. With a slight smirk it is time for number three.  Dead man number two still on the end of his impromptu spear is flung at number three, who was now standing behind him and to the left. The limp carcass collides with its target. This sends him thundering into the wall behind him. The next thing number three saw was oblivion. Number two’s body had hammered into his chest crushing his rib cage and pinned both of them to the side of the building.

        A backhand spring and griping two smaller rodshe pierces numbers four and five abdomens. They drop like lead to their knees, and then fall to the side. It is a slow and painful death for these two. Number six will get off easy, he had decided to bum rush Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu, but instead of the delivering a sucker punch he was met a side step and ridge hand chop to the Adams apple crushing his wind pipe and snapping his neck at the same time. Pivoting to his right Master Irekq eyes seven and eight who are both brandishing pieces of broken down scaffolding and gyrating them like a couple of Shaolin monks. Ok then, this might be fun, he again flips another piece of pipe into his hand with his foot.

          He lets them make the first move. Numbers seven and eight spread out so that there was a good 15 to 20 feet between them. Then as expected they attacked at the same time form there two positions hoping that one of them would get a good shot at Master Irekq’s back. Please; as they charged him, Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu thrusts the length of pipe he was controlling in the asphalt and swings himself 90 degree of the pole and steps off sevens face to kick eight in his. Landing with the grace of a snow flake he waits for them to get back up. Master Irekq did not want this to be over to quickly so he held back on the last two kicks. This takes about 5 minutes.

          The two brigands awoke to Master Irekq standing in front of them less than 4 feet away smiling, Master Irekq had knocked them out. “Well,” he speaks out loud to himself “I guess I don’t know my own strength.” he said but knew it was not true. He had knocked them out on purpose to give him time to put the bodies of the friends into one of the vans. “You two little Sally’s ready to finish this?” They answered by leaping to their feet in some kind of back spin. “Kind of looked like a break dancing move.” he thought to himself. With that he choke up on the length of pipe in his hand, takes a step forward and swings the metal bar like a baseball bat connecting with sevens head send him to the hell that waits for him.

Eight makes a move only to be caught by his hand by Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu griping his wrist and putting him into an arm bar. “Arrrrghhh!” the P.ET.A. pawn screams in pain. Master Irekq now behind him whispers ever so softy and in a maniacal tone declares “I hope you are not left handed.” Then with a jerk shatters every bone in his arm. Pushing his new friend away Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu tells him to get on his way before someone sees him. “Take the van with your buddies in it. And get a doctor to look at that arm.” He tells him.

              Sad thing is Ms. Newkirk does not reward failure and he will be summarily executed. That is the one thing Master Irekq liked about Ingrid. There was only one punishment and that punishment is death. Now if he could only get that Damb house in Bridgeton sold! C'est la vie.

Twas the Night before Christmas

 
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.



Maggie was tucked in, all snug in her bed,
While visions of dead vegans danced in her head.
Jess in her teddy, Irekq in the buff,
Having just made love Jess had had enough.



When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Irekq jumped from the bed, he knew what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
There were some PETA fools he would have to SMASH!



The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to the mongrels below.
When, what to his knowing eyes should appear,
But 8 stupid vegans attacking the sleigh, wanting to "free" the reindeer.



Out the window, so lively and quick,
Irekq knew in a moment he must save St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his fists and feet came,
And calmly he stated, "You villains are lame."



Now Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen!
Were not held against their will at all.
Irekq will BASH AWAY! BASH AWAY! All.



As dried blood leaves a trail that none can deny
When Irekq fights vegans of course they will die.
So down from the house-top their bodies they flew,
He must slain  the attackers, and save St Nicholas too.



And then, in a twinkling, Jess heard on the roof
The begging and pleading of each little goof.
As he drove a fist into one vegans face, and then turned around,
Irekq saw that St Nicholas was gagged and bound.



He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
His bundle of toys were flung from his back,
Irekq then knew he must get those toys back!



His eyes-how they twinkled! Irekq so merry!
For the dead scoundrels of  PETA Maggie would bury!
This troll little vegan was drawn and quartered just for show,
His blood ran freely on the fresh fallen snow.



The stump an arm was used to knock out some teeth,
And one vegans entrails were used as a wreath.
His foot went through one vegans belly,
Irekq then laughed at pile bowels shaking like a bowel full of jelly!


He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
Irekq then smiled when he saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon Santa knew that he had nothing to dread.


He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And spilled all the gray matter of one PETA jerk.
And crashing his fist into the side ones nose,
Then giving a boot to the nuts, into the sky he rose!


Santa was sprong from his bonds, to his team gave a whistle,
And away Santa flew like a cruse missile.
But Irekq heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and Damn what a fight!"

The will be no more months. All time will be recorded as the number of day in the Vinember of that year.

Convention

Sunday the 182 day of Vinember Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu with Cultural Chairman in tow graced the Philadelphia Convention Center with his presence. He had aloud some of the greatest artists and writers of our time to put on a show for him and the Chairman.

Tom Savini ( I do not use this word lightly) Master of F/X make-up was given the privilege of meeting Master Irekq and his Cultural Chairman. He was honored the the Chairman took time to see him, but the fact that he was able to kiss the hand of Master Irekq was the culmination of his life's dreams.

As every great leader had an inspiration for his life's work so did Master Irekq. A writer who in Master Irekq's fact ( He does not have opinions his words are facts ) the greatest writer of all time. His works have served as a base guide line for Master Irekq's manifesto and have helped him to save the lives of many of the worlds profane. This man is Maxx Brooks.( Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z ) Maxx was so pleased to see Master Irekq that he begged to have a picture taken with him. The gracious man that he is Master Irekq granted this request and signed it for him. The Chairman was moved by the happiness that this had brought Maxx, both Maxx and the Chairman had tears of joy in their eyes.

There were many other talented authors and infiltrators and toy makers all clambering to have there works seen by Master Irekq and his Chairman that a deli counter type ticket machine had to be employed. Have no fear all were seen and few of the works were not up to the Chairman and by default Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu's standards. Those few were burned on sight never to disgrace the earth again, the creators of said works were beaten for the time that they had wasted in making suck trash.

Humbling Thunder

As it is public knowledge that Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu is a wilderness survival expert, he still likes to humble himself by taking lessons from others. Thus the Trip to Mountain Shepherd Survival School, disguised ofcorce as to not intimidate the instructor a man named Reggie Bennett. Reggie was an instructor of the United States Military S.E.R.E. training and program given to all pilots as well as the different branches Special Forces (Rangers , Seals, Ect). That being said Mr. Bennett is well qualified to teach a course on the subject of survival to the average person and to give Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu a nice refresher.


All would have been fine, nice relaxing 4 days of sleeping under the stars cooking over a campfire and watching Reggie teach your run of the mill white collar how to tie knots and make fire. But, as the saying goes “No rest for the wicked” PETA will not allow a moments rest for our protagonist thus the relaxing 4 day jaunt turned into 4 days of terror for the others of the survival class and just another bunch of Veggie Protein eating miscreants the will not see another dawn for daring to muddle in the affairs of Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu.

The day started like you would imagine it would 5 strangers meeting their instructor and each other for the first time. Reggie introduced himself and asked how everyone was feeling; he did not want to take someone who is sick in to the wild and have their condition worsen making them a liability. After the group proclaiming that their health was good Bennett ask who has any medical training, normally Master Irekq would have the most knowledge of the subject but he was the as a profane and would differ to the instructor.

What happened next was not a surprise to Irekq but more like a “You have got to be kidding me!” moment for he now has to not only slaughter the herbivorous marauders of a PETA Death squad but he must also save the lives of the others in his group as well as the instructor. Well as you may have guessed once the group had arrived and their campsite so 100 miles from the nearest outhouse. The first shot was fired tearing almost in two the left shoulder of the 30 something school teacher who taking the course with her husband. As she screamed in agony the others hit the dirt.

The pain of a 7.62 mm (308 Remington) exploding threw ones shoulder is not to be taken lightly Irekq knows this pain having shot himself so that he would be able to show some compassion to who ever had the discourtesy of being shot in his presence. Reggie screams “STAY DOWN!! And someone put pressure on that wound.” Looking into Reggie’s eyes Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu speaks volumes about the situation. “You’re Him. Aren’t you? “is Reggie’s query. With a nod Master Irekq tells Mr. Bennett to wait for his signal then to make off the same direction of the first shot.

Understanding his purpose now Reggie will see to it that the others in the group are well hidden and safe for the carnage that is about to unfold. With the grace of a swan and an uncanny amount of speed and agility Master Irekq heads for the reprobate that just shot a woman in the back. Quickly he is spotted, the offender is 600 yards atop the adjacent ridge not a bad shot. The sniper was removed from his perch by the camping axe Master Irekq torpedoed into his shin. Taking his cue Reggie along with the others in the party help the injured woman by carrying her in the underbrush to better address her wound. The bullet went through the dainty frame of the woman and was bleeding profusely an application of Quick Clot and a pressure dressing has the team on the way to disappearing from sight. Normally Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu would want to keep them with him to keep them safe, but Reggie Bennett Mountain Shepherd would keep them hidden and tend to their fragile minds.

Once he was upon the despicable disgrace of a human Master Irekq asked “How many?” applying pressure to the head of the axe sticking out of his shin. “Arrrrghhh!” was the only reply. Again the question “How many?” is put forth this time it is punctuated with the camping axe being ripped from the blackguards one shin and plunged into his other. The number 6 is what is heard. “Is that including you?” Master Irekq queries. “. “Yes!” whimpers this sad creature. Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu nods and says “5” as the camping axe relieves the neck of the burden of his head.

Like all normal healthy people Irekq Master of the Deadly Art of Vinjitzu has an interest in firearms so looking over this would be assassin’s weapon and knowing it to be Mauser 86 SR sniper rifle made in Germany he has an idea. After all it is hunting season. Over the course of the next 3 days Master Irekq toys with the others sent to kill him putting a bullet into their empty, thoughtless Vegan brains. Who does not like a little target practice?

Finding Reggie and the others held up in a very discretely hidden shelter some 7 miles from where it all began Master Irekq informs the group that it is all going to be ok the villain who shot the woman will no longer burden the Earth with his useless existence. No questions were asked as Master Irekq’s demeanor answered any they might have had. They knew he had done what needed to be done. Reggie of course wanted to refund the groups money but they all seemed to think that someone getting shot not withstanding this was a once in a life experience and was worth the price. As a whole the 5 men and one woman in took a vow of silence on the subject never to speak of it again.

Well there you go Ingrid you did so something good after all. Maybe there is so hope for you yet? VIVA LA BEEF!!!